"A man ought never to be in a position to break a woman's heart unless he is also simultaneously breaking his word. His word ought to always be a protective barrier between him and her heart. He ought never to be in a position to destroy her without destroying his own integrity first."
- from Pastor Doug Wilson's blog
7 comments:
Very interesting statement. and this....
"He ought never to be in a position to destroy her without destroying his own integrity first."
Not having read this in context, I can only assume what he might be meaning. But one thing, when a man "destroys" a woman, he does indeed also destroy his own integrity to some degree.
That's the whole quote - I thought it fairly self-explanatory.
What was the context? Was he talking to someone else? What was the subject? It's difficult to tell all that from just a few words.
I appreciate the sentiment behind Pastor Wilson's words. We should all (regardless of sex) conduct ourselves with respect for other people, including their possible feelings of romance and love.
I think however people can be heartbroken without having been "led on" by a member of the opposite sex. I have been heartbroken, but the object of my affection did nothing improper. It was merely a case of unrequited love for a man who was minding his own business. Similarly, I have broken a man's heart, by again doing nothing more than minding my own business, and not returning his affections. So I agree with what I understand to be the pastor's point ("don't lead people on"), but I am not sure I agree with the implication that that is a surefire way to avoid harm to other people's feelings.
Also, I don't think anyone has ever been "destroyed" by a broken heart. When rejected, one might eat a lot of Chinese take-out, wallow in front of the TV, and walk around in a funk for a while, but that's not the same thing as being destroyed.
-- Maggie Fox
That's the context - that's all there is. No "who" he was talking to, no particular subject - it's simply about how men should treat women.
Believer, I know you disagree with me on this, but we each bear our own responsibilities in relationships, especially those potentially leading to marriage and in marriage itself. Men are to take the lead in such relationships, they bear responsibility for its direction and for not misleading, intentionally or unintentionally.
In that vein, Pastor Wilson issues a reminder about integrity. It's not just about lying, it's about how the man is behaving - is he saying things that might lead a woman to think his intentions are serious? Even if he is clueless, he bears responsibility for that ignorance.
On the other hand, if a woman lets her heart go too easily or if she does want a man so badly she lets her own desires mislead her heart (I think this is the sort of thing Maggie is talking about), then he bears no responsibility for her broken heart.
This is the way of love.
"...but I am not sure I agree with the implication that that is a surefire way to avoid harm to other people's feelings."
I don't think Pastor Wilson's implying that it's a way for a man to guarantee that a woman will never suffer, but that it's a way for a man to guarantee that he won't be the cause of it. She might trip on the sidewalk or even throw herself down on it, but that's not the same as his pushing her.
Kamilla,
"Believer, I know you disagree with me on this, but we each bear our own responsibilities in relationships, especially those potentially leading to marriage and in marriage itself. Men are to take the lead in such relationships, they bear responsibility for its direction and for not misleading, intentionally or unintentionally. "
It is certainly true that each person bears responsibility for their own actions in relationships. Those decisions are too important to allow someone else to lead us into, knowing that we will reap the fruit of those choices. Relationships required the full awareness of both parties.
In that sense as I stated in the first comment, a man must be careful how he presents himself.
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