Important and newly translated prayer

Our Father speaking metaphorically only, right? and your Mother half as well for we know God created us male and female in his image and that must mean God is also male and female who are in Heaven,

Hallowed be your name What IS it, by the way? I know I've heard of Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. Let's go with that.

Oh bother, let's start again:

Our Parent who art in Heaven, hallowed by your name.

Your kingdom come Wait, shouldn't that be Queendom as well? Now, how will this go, Your domain come? No, that's not right. Your realm? Your Keendom? No, that sounds like something Dobie Gillis would say. And Quingdom sounds too much like Kingdom, Wait, I have to think about this for a moment. Bah, I can't find anything that works. Let's just do this:

Your kingdom come (to be interchanged with Queendom at every other reading)

Your will be done Grrr, I know there will be quarrels about that one, but I'm going to let it stand as is

On earth as it is in heaven Ooh, I might get away with that if they don't fuss too much about the previous bit.


Give us this day our daily bread Now wait a cotton pickin' minute there. EVERYONE KNOWS how bad bread is for you - all those carbs and whatnot. How COULD He (oops. She as well) have said anything about daily bread? What about rice? Yes, I think that might work, but only if it is organic brown rice sustainably grown and fair-trade harvested.

Give us this day our daily portion of organically and sustainably grown brown rice, harvested according to fair-trade pay and labour standards.

Forgive us our trespasses Trespass? You don't own the earth, and neither do I! What's this about trespasses, wait, what? Sin? No, we did away with that a long time ago, there's no sin any more, merely lack of understanding and proper training in conflict resolution and diversity understanding.

Forgive us our failure to understand with proper tolerance and love for the diversity of our multi-colored and multi-cultural human family.

As we forgive those who fail to understand with proper tolerance and love for our own diverseness, color and culture.

And lead us not into temptation. Well, not really temptation, is it? It's really just intolerance for the free exploration of human longings. Right,

And do not let us fail to freely explore our longings and urges.

But deliver us from evil. Oh, I've got the hang of this now, you'll like this.

But deliver us from the narrow, cramped and self-righteous judgments of religious bigots (especially Roman Catholics and Fundamentalists)

For thine is the Kingdom (to be switched with Queendom on alternate readings as before) and the glory and the power, for ever and ever - well, at least until we request suicide assistance.

Amen Criminy, THAT's never going to fly

The End.